Post your best musician joke here...

[Brewer]

I kinda like these:

Q: What is "perfect pitch"?
A: When you lob a harmonica into a toilet without hitting the rim.

A drummer decides to start his own band. He goes into the music store and tells the salesdood, "I'm starting a band and need instruments. I'll take that red saxophone over there on the wall and that accordian, too". The salesdood replies, "Hmmm, you must be a drummer. I guess I can sell you the fire extinguisher, but the radiator is not for sale".

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lead guitarist?
A: His amplifiers.

Q: "What's the difference between a moose and an R&B band?
A: A moose has the horns in front and the asshole in the back!"

Q: What sound do you hear when you throw a drummer and a bass player simultanously from a tower?
A: Thump…………Thump.

Surely you can do better than these (and don't call me shirley)!

[Big Mike]

Well Shirley :D

How bout,

Q: How do you know you're bandstand is level?

A: The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth!

[Elgreco]

Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.

Brain Shop: A lady walks into a store and tells the man behind the counter she would like some musician brains. "Alright," he says, "What kind?" "How much do they cost?" she asks. "Well, those there are trumpeters at $5 a pound, those are guitarists at $7 a pound, those are French Horns at $10 a pound." he replies. "What are those way back there?" she asks. "Those are drummers brains. They cost $1000 a pound, he replies. "GOODNESS!!" she exclaims. "Why are they so expensive?" "Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get a pound of brains?!"

[Jhigley]

Q: What's the difference between CD's and musicians?

A: Eventually CD's mature.



Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.



Jeff

[Chiba]

Q: What's the difference between a violin and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you cut up a violin.

Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

Q: How do you get two oboists to play in tune with each other?
A: Shoot one of them.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they have a machine now that does that.

My favorite is the "homeless" one.

--chiba

[Elgreco]

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
"One, two, three, one, two, three..."
"Hey man, I just do sound."
One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

[George Johnson]

One night in the Old West, two Cavalry soldiers heard the sound of Indian war drums in the distance.

One said to the other "I don't like the sound of those drums".

Then they heard a distant voice say "He's not our regular drummer".

[guitrr]

Q:What's the definition of perfect pitch?

A:When you throw an accordian in the dumpster, and it lands on a banjo.


Q:What does a deadhead say when they run out of pot?

A:Whoa man, this music sucks!


Q:How do you know when a singer is at the door?

A:They always have the wrong key, and never know when to come in.


Q:How do you know when a drummer is at the door?

A:The knock speeds up.


Q:How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A:None - The keyboardist can handle that with his left hand.


Q:How many guitarists does it take to play a Stevie Ray Vaughn song?

A:Apparently, all of them.


A banjo player leaves his banjo on the seat of his car, locks the door, and goes into the store. When he returns, the passenger window has been shattered, and there are three banjos on the seat.

[TRandy16]

Q: What's the difference between and banjo and a trampoline?

A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.



Q: How many female singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one.....She holds the light bulb and the world revolves around her.




Q: What is an optomist?

A: A trombone player with an answering machine.

[TRandy16]

Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five....One to change the bulb and four others to stand around and say..."I could have done that better!"

[guitonit]

A banjo player is heading downtown with his "instrument" in the car, and winds up parking in a really bad section of town. He locks his car very carefully, and prays that things will be OK. He comes back to his car about 3 hours later, hoping that his precious banjo will have made it through this terrible time. He comes across the car, and sees, to his dismay, that all the windows are broken out, and there is five more banjo's in the car.

Scott A.

[jato]

What do you call a pair of drumsticks on a car dashboard?
-Disabled parking permit-

What do you say to the bass player who knocks on your door at dinner time?
-How much for the pizza?-


:D

S.
j

[Peter]

Q: How do you tune a 12-string guitar?
A: No one knows.

[Budman2k]

I kinda like these:

Q: "What's the difference between a moose and an R&B band?
A: A moose has the horns in front and the asshole in the back!"

Surely you can do better than these (and don't call me shirley)!
I love that one!!!!

Q. What's the difference between a guitar player and large pizza?
A. A large pizza can feed a family of four!

[Elgreco]

Q: How do you streamline a musicians car?

A: Take the pizza delivery sign off the top!


Did you hear about the guitar player that locked the keys in his car?

He had to break into it to let the drummer out!

[Brewer]

Good stuff. I'm laughing so hard I've got tears in my eyes!


The missonary in the jungle and he can hear the drums beating in the distance… They go on for hours and he asks his guide what they are and the guide says "The drum's are very, very good. If they stop it is very, very bad" "Why is it so bad if the drums stop?" the missonary asks. The guide answers "cuz when the drum's stop ………bass guitar solo!!!"

[Brewer]

And of course the classic:

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A: A pizza won't **** your girlfriend.

[ROB OWENS]

So God is talking to St Peter about how wonderful Eric Clapton is.....'do you know, he's pushin on a bit now, maybe if I get practising, maybe when he comes up here, I could get to jam with him' ...... 'mmmmmm' says St Peter, 'you'll have to get going.....he's bloody good!'


So, for the next few weeks heaven is filled with the most awful squeals and kerangs...all out of tune etc etc...

So..... this chap is welcomed through the pearly gates by St Peter and led towards his cloud.....all of a sudden...they are both deafened by an awful screeching widdly widdly 'Crossroads'.....

'Bloody 'ell' shouts the chap....'who F**K does he think HE is.....GOD?'

'No' shouts St Peter..... 'Eric F****ng Clapton!!!'

[Jon Silberman]

A couple who hate each other and haven't even spoken for years decide finally to visit a "couples psychologist." The psychologist tries everything to get them to even look at each other but nothing works. Finally, in desperation, he rips open the closet door, pulls out a P-Bass, and starts riffing. The couple establishes eye contact and before you know it are engaged in a deep, soul-searching conversation and are forgiving each other for everything ... An hour later, the man and woman are thanking the psychologist profusely and they ask in amazement, "How did you ever come up with that method of treatment?" "Simple," replies the psychologist, "it's well known that everyone talks during the bass solo." ;)

[Jon Silberman]

A tuba and banjo duo is suffering from a long run of bad times. They haven't had a gig in years. Finally, on December 31st at 9 PM, they get an urgent call from someone who hired a band months ago that just that evening broke up, leaving him him high and dry on New Years Eve! "Please," the man says, "I've tried everyone, you're the only act left at this late hour, you've got to come over immediately." The duo happily accepts and is set up and playing by 10PM. Amazingly, the fact that they are truly unique combined with copious amounts of liquor results in them being a big hit with the partygoers. As they finish up at 3AM, the host tells them, "You boys were really good - I'd love to have you back next New Years Eve!" The tuba player and banjoist reply in unison, "We accept ... do you mind if we leave our gear?" ;)

[Phil_B]

What is one thing you NEVER hear anyone ever say about the banjo player?



"That's the banjo player's Porsche".


Well, I thought it was funny.

[Ripcom]

Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicans?


A: A Drummer.

[Goober]

Hey!

ED ROMAN (no punch line needed!, just check out his rants!!)

Dana

[Lyle Long]

This Guitar Player dies and he ends up in hell...

Satan greets him with " Let me show you your practice room." So the Guitar Player follows Satan into this room with every cool piece of guitar gear he ever wanted, a comfortable leather couch and a wet bar.
The guitar player thinks to himself "Cool!"

Then Satan says " Let me show you the studio you are going to be working at." So the Guitar Player follows Satan into this mind blowing recording studio with the finest gear, mics, effects and a pro staff. Satan says " This is where you are going to make CD's for me." The Guitar Player is thinking "Man is this cool or what?"

Satan then says " Follow me to the club you are going to be playing at."
So the Guitar Player follows Satan into this huge club. Satan says " Your band is tight, you have your own guitar tech and monitor tech, every night is ladies night and it's all you can drink for free! What do you think? "

The Guitar Player responds " Wow, so this is Hell?

Satan answers " It is, you have a chick lead singer!"

:dude:

[Adam]

Another lightbulb joke -

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
All of em - one to actually do it, and the rest to say Neil Peart did it much better.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None...they just steal somebody else's light

In the 22nd century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ??
Five..one to actually do it ...and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

sorry for any repeats!

[Dan Desy]

This Guitar Player dies and he ends up in hell...

Satan greets him with " Let me show you your practice room." So the Guitar Player follows Satan into this room with every cool piece of guitar gear he ever wanted, a comfortable leather couch and a wet bar.
The guitar player thinks to himself "Cool!"

Then Satan says " Let me show you the studio you are going to be working at." So the Guitar Player follows Satan into this mind blowing recording studio with the finest gear, mics, effects and a pro staff. Satan says " This is where you are going to make CD's for me." The Guitar Player is thinking "Man is this cool or what?"

Satan then says " Follow me to the club you are going to be playing at."
So the Guitar Player follows Satan into this huge club. Satan says " Your band is tight, you have your own guitar tech and monitor tech, every night is ladies night and it's all you can drink for free! What do you think? "

The Guitar Player responds " Wow, so this is Hell?

Satan answers " It is, you have a chick lead singer!"

:dude:
Burn in hell for eternity indeed - great joke! :D

[Adam]

OK I just thought of an original one!

What do you call a drummer with 1 stick and no drums?

...a conducter.

[Cheebatone]

Q: What do you call 1000 broken banjos?
A: A start.

Q: What do you call starving Jazz Musicians?
A: Nothing out of the ordinary.

Q: What do you call the only drummer in the World who can tie his own shoelaces?
A: Neil

[daddycam]

This Guitar Player dies and he ends up in hell...

Satan greets him with " Let me show you your practice room." So the Guitar Player follows Satan into this room with every cool piece of guitar gear he ever wanted, a comfortable leather couch and a wet bar.
The guitar player thinks to himself "Cool!"

Then Satan says " Let me show you the studio you are going to be working at." So the Guitar Player follows Satan into this mind blowing recording studio with the finest gear, mics, effects and a pro staff. Satan says " This is where you are going to make CD's for me." The Guitar Player is thinking "Man is this cool or what?"

Satan then says " Follow me to the club you are going to be playing at."
So the Guitar Player follows Satan into this huge club. Satan says " Your band is tight, you have your own guitar tech and monitor tech, every night is ladies night and it's all you can drink for free! What do you think? "

The Guitar Player responds " Wow, so this is Hell?

Satan answers " It is, you have a chick lead singer!"

:dude:
i thought the punchline was going to be, "It is; you're in a country band!"

[Dan Desy]

i thought the punchline was going to be, "It is; you're in a country band!"
... and you're Scott Peterson!!! Hahahahaha!

[Phil Macino]

... and you're Scott Peterson!!! Hahahahaha!\

Let's get reaaddddyy to Rrrrruuuummmmblllle! :D

[Brewer]

Oooo. This is gonna get ugly!:D

[Jon Silberman]

This Guitar Player dies and he ends up in hell...

Satan greets him with " Let me show you your practice room." So the Guitar Player follows Satan into this room with every cool piece of guitar gear he ever wanted, a comfortable leather couch and a wet bar.
The guitar player thinks to himself "Cool!"

Then Satan says " Let me show you the studio you are going to be working at." So the Guitar Player follows Satan into this mind blowing recording studio with the finest gear, mics, effects and a pro staff. Satan says " This is where you are going to make CD's for me." The Guitar Player is thinking "Man is this cool or what?"

Satan then says " Follow me to the club you are going to be playing at."
So the Guitar Player follows Satan into this huge club. Satan says " Your band is tight, you have your own guitar tech and monitor tech, every night is ladies night and it's all you can drink for free! What do you think? "

The Guitar Player responds " Wow, so this is Hell?

Satan answers " It is, you have a chick lead singer!"

:dude:Excellent!

I heard a similar one - goes like this:

Jerry Garcia dies and awakens in a dreamy band room. To his left are Jimi, Duane, and Stevie Ray To his right are Jaco and Berry. Elvis and Jim Morrison are at the mics. Great gear is everywhere. Jerry takes a deep breath and says, "I can't believe it - I must have died and gone to heaven!" At which point, Jimi turns to Jerry and, with a sad look on his face, replies, "Think again, Captain Trips," whereupon Karen Carpenter enters the room, steps up to the drums, and says, "OK boys, It's Only Just Begun, take #457. On 4 ..."

:o

[Aldwyn]

Yet another variation:

A poor starving guitar player is down on his luck. While he plays better then the majority of players, he's simply had a bad life, no breaks, and aweful luck when it came to bands and such. Without a penny to his name, he decides he wishes to end this existance and he takes his own life.

He suddenly finds himself up puffy white clouds and wearing a white robe. And angel, bathed in gold light, stands before him. "Welcome, my friend!", speaks the angel, "Here is your eternal practice space!"

The guitar player looks around, and realizes the place is FILLED to the gills with all of the best gear! Tons of it!! As his eyes search through the gear, the angle points of a stage, already set up. The drum kit's bass drum says "Buddy Rich", the strat on the guitar stand to the right says "Jimmi H." and a bass on the guitar stand on the left says "Jaco" on it. An empty guitar stand in the middle, has the name of the newly dead guitar player on it.

"Welcome to the band!" says the angel.

"But what a minute. This is to good to be true. I killed myself, after all. What's the catch?"

"Well..." says the angel, nervously... "God has this girlfriend, and she thinks she can sing, and... "

:eek:

[Lyle Long]

Glad you guys like that joke, it is one of my favs. Here's another:

This guy goes to Africa for a business trip. At arrival he is greeted by his hosts. While greeting and shaking hands he notices the sound of drums beating in the distance, so he asks his hosts "What's up with the drums?" The host responds "Very bad when the drums stop." "Interesting" the man replies.

Later, around noon, he is eating lunch at a restaurant and the drums are still beating. He asks his waiter "What's up with the drums?" The waiter responds " Very bad when the drums stop." The guy is puzzled.

Around dinner time the guy is walking to dinner. The drums are still beating and it is really getting to him. He sees someone coming towards him and is just about to ask them about the drums. All of a sudden the drums stop. So now in a panicked, guy stops the passerby and asks " Oh God, the drums stopped! What happens now?" The passerby responds " Very bad! Now the Bass Solo!"

:dude:

[Brewer]

Heh heh! Bass solo!

Here's 'nuther:

A singer bursts into his house and says 'Pack your bags babe, I just won the lottery!' His girlfriend says 'That's great, should I pack for the beach or pack for the spa?' The singer answers 'I don't care, just get the hell out!...

[Brewer]

Did we do this one yet?


Q: What do you call a good-looking woman on a drummer's arm?
A: A tattoo

[Brewer]

Q: Know how to make a million dollars playing music?
A: Start with two million.

[Lyle Long]

Q - How do you stop a banjo player from drowning in 6 inches of water?
A - Take your foot off his head!!

Q - What has three legs with a Dick on it?
A - A Drum Throne!

Q - How can you tell when your singer is at your front door?
A - They never know when to come in and they cannot find the key!

Q - What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A - No one cries when you cut up an accordion!

Q - How do you get a drummer out of your house?
P - Pay him for the pizza!

Peace Y'all! :D

[Chef Lesman]

the tone of these jokes are witty, sharp and collectable!

So Here now, is my offering in stark contrast.

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail36.html



BTW.
it also doubles as portal to Juvenile Lunacy (for the whole family).
Have fun.

[Michael Nolan]

the tone of these jokes are witty, sharp and collectable!

So Here now, is my offering in stark contrast.

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail36.html



BTW.
it also doubles as portal to Juvenile Lunacy (for the whole family).
Have fun.

Oh MAN that was funny!!!

When he said, "and the dragon comes in the night" I lost it completely!!

:D :D :dude: